Bossing for Dummies

My Boss is an asshole!

Not because he is a bad man, but because early in his bossing career he realized that he couldn’t please everyone; he understood that every decision he makes is bound to piss off someone. He still makes the tough decisions. That makes him an asshole but it also makes him a good boss.

There is nothing worse than a boss who can’t make the tough decisions because they are going to piss a few people off. These types of bosses usually care more about being popular than they do about being successful. Their fear of upsetting people makes them take no action at all. They just sit there, wishing the problem will address itself and go away on its own. Most often they will work extra hard at addressing the symptoms of the issue (Which is always easier) rather than making a tough decisions

Being a good boss and being popular with your entire team is almost impossible. It would require having such a mature, understanding, positive and effective team that it just never happens.

My boss is an asshole but he is also a good boss. He pisses me off sometimes, but he also shows incredible insight most of the time.

I, on the other hand, am a terrible boss. I procrastinate, get other people to do my work for me, never make a decision, try to avoid conflict, kiss asses, and most importantly I always have someone else to blame for my mistakes. I know that makes me a bad boss, but it also makes me successful in my career. So, here are the 10 rules at being a boss:

1. Be unpopular with some people in your team
2. Always have someone handy to take the blame for your mistakes
3. Be decisive. Make the tough decisions and to hell with people’s feelings
4. Kiss asses. Preferably that of your boss (If your boss is of the opposite sex, you can try it literally)
5. In the words of Jack Nicholson: “You haven’t lived till you’ve gotten a blow job from a superior officer”
6. Be feared, be respected
7. Empower other people to do for you what is tiring, repetitive or boring
8. Pretend to Listen to your team. Occasionally give them satisfaction on a matter of no real consequence
9. Have, at least one female with large boobs in your team. This proves helpful during those long, boring meetings
10. Be true to yourself